Donkey Kong 64 (1999)

Nintendo 64

Donkey Kong 64 is a 1999 platform game developed by Rare and published by Nintendo for the Nintendo 64. It is the only Donkey Kong game to feature 3D gameplay.

I Bleed Jungle Green

I've got so many childhood memories with this game. The transparent green N64 was my first home console, and DK64 came bundled with it. It opened my eyes to what video games were, and what they could be. It had scary bosses that I would convince my cousin to beat for me. It had multiplayer battles, giving me a whole new way to get pissed at my brother and sister. I love this game, and I needed to finally beat it. Not 100% completion, but just roll those credits. So, I loaded the rom onto my RG353v and grabbed my jungle green SN30 Pro controller.

With all the nostalgia out of the way with, It's sort of a shitty game when you go back to it. The movement is janky to say the least, and the camera just flies all over the place. You can tell they were figuring out how 3d games were going to work back then, and this feels early in process. *Like many games of this era

Shoutout to the N64 controller here... I have a Bluetooth N64 controller that I initially started playing this with, but I ditched it pretty quickly. While the trident is undoubtably a sexy motherfucker, the joystick on this thing is truly awful. Back in the day I never noticed, but back in the day I didn't know what an Xbox One controller felt like. This game always wants you to navigate narrow beams or floating platforms, and when the joystick is as loose as it is, it feels like convincing a toddler to study for an algebra test. I could do a whole blog post about the N64 controller.
It sucks, but I love it so much.

The Spice of Life

There is so much variety in this game. The levels are very different from each other, colorful and and a joy to look at for the most part. Each one has it's own vibe, along with a killer background track to boot. Jungle Japes slaps righteous Kong ass, and don't get me started on how great Frantic Factory's song is. If anything, you should check out the songs on YouTube, they really are a bop. Most of the levels are awesome, or cool at the very least. Crystal caves is the worst, though. I can't tell you the things I'll do to that level if I come across it in a dark alley. Not only is the scenery bland and sterile, it asks you to switch through all the characters just to return to the same spots to hit different switches. This kind of thing happens a few times through the game, but this level made it more noticable than most. This place was so boring, it was the first time I almost quit.

Five different playable characters is pretty cool, even though switching between them turns into a bit of a chore. Diddy Kong is definitely my favorite. He plays the electric guitar and has a jetpack. I mean, how can he not be your favorite? I guess that's why he got his own racing game later on. Although back in the day, I'm pretty sure I asked my mom to make me a shirt just like Chunky Kong's (The big beefcake of a Kong with an awful fashion sense). I'm not really sure what that says about me. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.

There are a bunch of mini games sprinkled into these levels as well, shaking things up even more. Some are great, some are just the worst. Like, THE WORST. There's one where you have to herd beavers into a hole, and I swear to god the developers were huffing glue when they made this one. They don't go in the hole. They just don't. Some mini games are awesome though, like the haunted minecart one. I felt like I was experiencing the video-game equivalent of a Disney World theme park ride. It's hard to describe how good it feels when you stumble across something like that after a long stretch of platforming. It quickly became my favorite part of this whole game.

Character Drama

Now for the characters, and this is where it gets weird. There's all kinds of lore to these guys, but I elected to form my own thoughts on this eclectic bunch. DK clearly has the hots for Candy Kong. He stands a little closer to her in the game, but the real give away is the MASSIVE poster of her in his bedroom. That's pretty weird, Donkey. Do people ask about that when you have company over? I wouldn't.

As for the others: Cranky gives off serious boomer energy, and the fox dude is clearly a foreign agent, mark my words. Funky (Gun Kong, as I call him) looks like he served in the war and never left. From what I understand he was a DJ in the other Donkey Kong games, so something really bad must have happened to him in-between then and now. It looks like he traded in his turntable for an NRA membership.

The worst part of this whole game for me was near the end. I had finally done it, I had shut down the crazy machine that King K. Rool had constructed to destroy the Kong's home island, and I was nearing his nest. When I think I finally have him, what do I find? A door, and not just any door. A locked door that needs two special coins. How do you get these coins? You have to go to certain places in the game to play (and beat) some old retro games (The original "Donkey Kong", along with Rare's first game "Jet Pac").

Now, I love this. Including some old gems not only to pay homage to what was made before, but to give younger players a first hand education on these predecessors. It's great. UNTIL... You make me beat these games to progress further. When I ran into them initially I really enjoyed them, for about a half hour or so. Then I just moved on and let them be. Being told to actually complete these dated games RIGHT before I thought I was going to face down the final boss was pure aggravation, and killed all the excitement I had built up during the final level. AAARRRGGGHHHH. Anyway...

Collect-A-Done

I did it, I beat it. I didn't collect everything, which for a game considered a "collect-a-thon" might be a sin, but I don't care. I beat that ugly asshole K. Rool and rolled credits on my definitive childhood video game. Decades in the making, I finally did what I couldn't do all those years ago.
I ended my playthrough of this gem by returning Donkey Kong back up to his tree house, where he could spend his days staring (just staring) at his giant Candy Kong poster.

It took me 4 tries to get up there.

Final Golden Banana Count: 124

It's not all of them, but it's a nice even number!