I really messed this one friendship up. We were best friends early on in life, my favorite memories are with them. It inevitably led to feelings, of course. So what do I do about it? Well, in my infinite wisdom, I burned it all down. Why would I do that? Because I was too scared to make a move, and too scared to run away without an absolute guarantee that I couldn't go crawling back.
It wasn't one big thing that I did to break it... Although there certainly were a couple of those. Rather, it was many small things. Death by a thousand cuts, my cuts. I felt like I was protecting myself, like i was doing what needed to be done for the sake of my own survival. I needed to be free of what I was afraid of if I was ever going to find peace. Next thing you know, it's just too much effort to talk to each other, and I got the silence I was so sure I needed. A whole fucking decade of it.
The whole time I lived my life, but I knew I was denying myself something I wanted. I thought it was holy to make a sacrifice like that, to live with that struggle. Peace would have to be the ultimate reward. What eventually came was, instead, a haunting. Whether a dream, a mention of a name, or a stray thought drifting too far, the ghost would be summoned. At first, it would leave as quick as it came... But everything grows in time. Ghosts included.
Everything also ages with time. The swords and shields that I once wielded so confidently deteriorated into a collection of small, ugly, un-interesting artifacts. Their rusty, jagged edges are shameful to look at, but I find myself looking at them more and more. Over many years, I turned my favorite meadow into a hellish landscape scarred by war. Lush fields razed and vibrant villages burned. Through a child's eyes, you could see a glorious and epic battle fought to the bitter end by un-compromising heroes, but I don't have those eyes anymore.
I'm trying to fix it now, it's become too much. I don't care about those old feelings anymore. That would sound like blasphemy to my younger self, but it happened. Now I'm an adult, and what nobody ever told me is how lonely being an adult is. It sounds really lame, but a friend is more valuable than anything else in the world, I know that now.
I think I'm mainly writing this so I don't forget. Also, maybe someone can see this warning. I still think it's okay if you need to run, to give yourself time and space if you need it. Don't light those fires, though. Heed the words of Master Yoda...